Rooted.

Being real is something I tend to run from when it involves anyone other than a total of 4 people I’ve deemed safe. Weakness and lack of perfection are traits that I’ve never let myself exude for fear of rejection in vulnerable moments. This fear of rejection can sometimes be of our own making up but more often than not, they are the result of events that had significance enough to shape said fear.

For me, in elementary school I was faced with bullying for the way I looked and my quiet personality. I went through friends as fast as the Kleenex I needed when they would ditch me for someone cooler; cue fear of being my true self. In middle school I moved provinces (equivalent to states) and had to start all over again and when I finally made really good friends, all they ever wanted to talk about was their weight; cue confidence level crashing and weight issues. And in high school I experienced the darkness of depression due to being in an abusively manipulative relationship lasting four years; cue total loss of self-esteem and building of impenetrable walls around my heart. I say all that to show that my story was constructed with insecurity ragging through it.

I don’t want to gather pity, but rather I’m writing this to open the door to something that I know I’m supposed to share but it’s something that I haven’t even come close to perfecting and that’s a new step for me. Of course I haven’t perfected the other issues in my previous entries but they don’t leave my heart as exposed as this one will. So here’s to holding on to God’s hand and taking a little step into why I even began to share my writing with outsider eyes in the first place. Here’s to sharing my timid voice regardless of what others may think.

Insecurity has molded my habits, thoughts and actions for just short of two decades but it has been a topic that God has really been tackling in my heart for specifically the past two years. It wasn’t until I was in Bible College, that I became fully aware that I was fraught with such low self-esteem, but at each girl’s event and almost every Monday night dorm devos, these nagging lies of the mind were a recurring topic in most discussions. For the first time I had the realization that they were just that- lies. To that point I hadn’t ever thought of it that way. Being presented with this idea that all these thoughts living it up in my head were simply untrue, was so freeing.

But when two years of Jesus school ended, I graduated and went back out into the real world only to find I was still ladened with the same emotional habits of lacking all confidence, comparing myself to e-v-e-r-y-o-n-e, judging them and then firmly closing up from reaching out to people in a real way.....and repeat. Lack of confidence played into every part of every day. These roots went so far down into my being that I could only be truly myself with at max, 4 people and on some days even that was a stretch.

I had a persona for each place I’d find myself in; stiffly professional and very quiet, never voicing my opinion at work, at church I felt a little more free to talk but never ever exposed anything I might be dealing with, at home I could show my personality but never let anyone get near my feelings and real talks with my fiancé at the time usually ended in tears or full shut down mode when things got too close to the heart. Perfectionism became my mask of choice but it was such an exhausting mask to wear.

I did understand this insecure behavior was rooted in the fear of rejection being fueled by lies but believing anything but that was unattainable back then. I could only categorize them as false when I was in the best mood with clear thinking but in those moments when things started to sting, it felt like the blazing truth. I carried this emotional routine into marriage and it was only then, when I was confronted with a human mirror (my husband) in my face every day that I knew these habits had to die.

It for sure helped to be married to a man who never ceased to remind me of my worth but on my own I started praying occasionally for a confidence boost. However, the problem with low self-esteem is that I was even unsure of myself in asking God for confidence because I was sure He was up in Heaven rolling His eyes at a-nobody-me for daring to ask. It took the whole last part of that year and a lot of mental fighting for God to solidify the reality in me that I am accepted by Him NO MATTER WHAT. God can not possibly love me (you) any less or any more than He already does- let that sink in.

At the turn of 2017, God gave me a new word to fix my focus on for the coming year: Year of Truth. God asked me to take all the things I’d learned at bible school, my new learning about His truly unconditional love and put them together by taking a step into learning to ‘believe truth’. It may sound easy peasy but I promise you, it was not. Not to mention adding in the general throws of life like not being able to work or drive, gaining weight (thank you American food....) and having very little opportunity to socialize with anyone. These things were a breeding ground for new deceit and mental sabotage.

What I found most helpful was creating a chart in my notebook and every time I consciously took note of a lie forming in my mind, I wrote it down in one column and opposite it, I wrote the truth that God speaks. Example: I am ugly | I am beautiful, created in God’s image.

It was small steps like this that got me started and got me to the place of understanding that no matter how much you may believe a lie, it will never make it the truth. During this process, I read a quote from the ‘Jesus Calling’ devotional that became a pillar for my mind, “Truth proclaimed and lived out is a fiercely accurate weapon against evil. The devil’s lies are rendered powerless in the presence of God’s promises.” God continually equips us with truth, His word, and every single thing that opposes us is rendered powerless in the face of it. How amazing is that!

But then I reached the issue of feelings vs. knowing... There was one morning where I was just struggling to feel loved or worthy and I started begging God to let me know that I was. I begged and begged but it wasn’t until I finally shut up that I heard Him answer, “You already know it, you’re asking to feel it and that’s not what this is about. I’ve given you the knowledge already and you have to act on that, do not rely on the feelings.” It was like a giant poke to my heart that set me back in the couch and then I was reminded of one of my college teacher explaining, “Victory comes first, feelings come later.” God was actively giving me victory in this area of believing truth even though I didn’t feel it 100% of time and that was ok.

Fast forward to several weeks ago; I was on a great road of believing truth about myself and my worth but then God decided to dig down to a whole new layer... My roots were still planted deep down in other people. I care wayyy too much about what other people think of me and outside opinions are where I find myself blooming and wilting all at the same time.

This is where I pull back to share because this is a very current dilemma. I recently attended a lady’s brunch where the women who shared were so insanely relatable and real that it sparked something in me to be the same. I struggle every day to have a consistent personality that doesn’t reach for a drawer of masks to pull from for each changing interaction. God is working in me to be myself, not in the popular “do-you” trend of the world but in the self that He created in me to show to the world for His glory.

My prayer right now is to be rooted in Christ; my whole confidence and worth. I want to be solely rooted in what He has to say about me. I pray that this post wasn’t full of senseless rambling but instead I pray that it invites you to try for yourself this journey of letting God be your source of truth, understanding that it is ultimately His view of you that counts. I understand the struggle of confidence all too well but it is my new challenge, one that I extend to you, to be someone who can be the same everywhere we go because we are content merely being ourselves.

What are you believing? Where are your roots planted? Ask God to move you away from comparing and judging and use the weapon of His truth to render the lies you hear powerless. I invite you to up-root and re-plant yourself in the words of the One who gives you the air you breathe; only then can we live as we were truly designed to.

“I pray that out of the riches of His glory, He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and grounded in love may have power, together with all the saints, to comprehend the length and width and height and depth of His love, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.” Ephesians 3:16-19