In a perfect world.

In a perfect world supper would always only take 2 & ½ minutes to whip up and under arm flab wouldn’t be a thing. There would be no traffic, everyone’s schedules would co-inside and jean shopping would be a joyous event. In a perfect world there would be no sin or shame. In a perfect world, perfectionism wouldn’t even exist.

Since I can remember I have dealt with this issue of perfectionism. Starting with small things like feeling stressed if there was the slightest bump in my little straight ponytail, to now, where I can’t go to sleep unless the house is spotless and completely in order. I can remember moments when I would feel a cold coming on and I’d feel so ashamed because my body had a weakness or the so many days when I would come home from school beaten down by mean words and harsh actions but I refused to tell my parents for fear that they would think something was wrong with me like all the bullies said.

Perfectionism has been the driving force that formed most of my mental and emotional tendencies; it is a quickly formed habit but slowly recognized.

It has been a while since I’ve written a post and that’s because even in writing I’ve been struggling with finding the “perfect” topic to write on so that my site had a “perfect” balance of themes etc. For the past couple of weekends as I’ve sat to write, I’ve stressed so much searching for the perfect words to try and convey my perfect little life so that I could take a break from all the deep sharing. But each time, I’d spend hours typing and backspacing only to walk away frustrated, with a blank page. When the right words wouldn’t come, I’d turn my time into comparing myself to every carefully crafted and aesthetically ideal blog and suddenly the fear of being not enough smothered all my ability to share anything at all.

But I’ve come to find that I learn and move forward best when I remove the chaotic thoughts from my brain and un-clutter them into this space. So reluctant but hopeful, I welcome you to another mess uncovering session that will start the first steps to loosening perfection’s grip. 

The reality is that we were created for the perfection and holiness of the Garden of Eden but the fall kicked us out into an ever increasingly imperfect world. Though, a world that chases this perfect idea. 

We see the results of this craving everywhere especially with the contribution of social media now. It is so, so easy to get sucked into believing that perfect does exist. Spending any amount of time on Instagram or Pinterest will make that lie scream louder and louder. I feel like this facet of perfection is something that affects everyone to a certain degree; seeing ‘perfect’ presented everywhere we look but not being able to always identify it as a mask and instead letting it wear us down.

Every edited image presents idyllic looks and lifestyle, and they demand us to achieve the same. Looking in the mirror can become painful when you don’t see the match to the picture that has become the epitome of perfect in your mind. But perfect beauty, the perfect body, the perfect life – they’re all lies. I’ve known this struggle for years, though replacing it with truth, let alone believing it, is much easier said than done.

Though outward and physical perfection is a huge part of the problem, the area that perfectionism attacks me most is how I or others perform. In regards to how I perform, unless I know I can do something flawlessly or better than someone else, I won’t do. I’m not a necessarily a quitter but I’m a great never-even-trying-er... 

So many times while I was growing up, there were tons of opportunities to try something new but the fear of failing to do it precisely right usually choked me out. Showcasing my effort that held the potential to not be perfect wasn’t an option for me. I can remember only two times in fifteen years of schooling where I ever offered my hand to answer a question in class because it could have been wrong and that would equal failing. 

This mindset took more than new opportunities from me; it also started stealing away things I already loved to do. From the time I came into the world, I have always loved music. This passion started off with loving to listen but once I was old enough, turned into loving to play. During my middle school/early high school years, I learned the flute, piano, guitar and drums, I sang and wrote songs. And I loved it all. But as time went on and several harsh comments were made, I started to pull back. I still enjoyed it in the comfort of my own room but that only lasted until I started college.

Never had I ever seen so much talent in one place before, basically every single person in my class had musical skill and it far exceeded anything I could do. So with that very in-my-face fact, I stopped playing and singing all together. Lacking the advanced talent and ability that everyone else had, fueled my perfectionism to call it quits on something I loved.  

In regards to how others perform, I struggle just as much. In my closest relationships mainly, I constantly put strict unrealistic requirements on everything. Flexibility is not my strong suit; I’m a stick to the plan, make sure everything is neat and tidy kind of person, so when something goes out of the very solid order I have in mind, the panic of imperfection sets in.

Particularly in just the past two years of marriage I’ve recognized it more than ever; that my perfectionism breeds unrealistic expectations and when gone unmet, they demand blame and negativity to take center stage in every thought. Perfectionism relentlessly sucks the life out of gratefulness.

In a very real and embarrassing example that happened just today, I had a to-do list all planned out and was ready to attack it head on. I had my things to complete and my husband had his. So when my husband offered to fold the laundry, (something that wasn’t even on his portion of the to-do’s) I was thrilled! But fast forward 40 minutes later when I was ready for him to move on to the next thing on the list and he had planned to just chill for a bit and then keep going, I stormed off grumbling.

My set-in-stone expectation of how the day would go was momentarily interrupted, sweeping away all traces of gratefulness that my husband had offered to help with the laundry or even the very fact that I had a husband who willingly helps with household duties.

I give all these examples to shed light on the real and always present affects of perfectionism. Whether you struggle in the same ways as me or not, this kind of thinking has no doubt touched your life at a moment. Perfectionism is rooted in the fear of rejection, weakness and failing. In can be linked back to the fear of what people think and how that affects our confidence and stifles everyday living (blog post “Rooted”).

I, for one,am sick of it infiltrating my peace.

I am in no way even close to being rid of this mindset disease yet, but I’ve finally come to a point of noticing it and deeply disliking what I see and that’s the first step. So far I have little ammo to share with you on how to best this mental monster but the one thing that God has spoken to me, that I have to constantly come back to, is this:

 “Make me the deepest desire of your heart. Let me fill your yearning for perfection.”

Perfectionism is something deeply craved but something that is not viable in this lifetime so why exhaust ourselves in trying when we can pour all that effort into seeking after Jesus and living each moment reflecting His heart? 

We have to stop expecting a perfect life but we can start expecting a perfect love from a perfect God. His love will always fill and override the hole that the longing for perfect digs. 

This whole post is basically one big reminder memo note to me, and though it will not be easy, I am ready to try and tackle it. Whatever area of perfectionism you find plaguing you the most, whether that is the mirror and the magazines, fearing to fail, or letting blame and negativity come between you and those you love; my goal, that I extend to you is to take action each time we recognize these crafty lies seeping in.

Start speaking truth:

When you hate the mirror, remember that you are radiatingly beautiful, exactly how God designed you. Psalm 45:11 says that God is enthralled by you so don’t despise the very thing that your Creator is captivated by. 

When you fear that you could be rejected or fail, try it anyway because you have a God who gave up His life to have you so what do you have to lose?

When your schedule is deterred and that person didn’t come through exactly how you wanted, immediately start thanking God for all the little blessings in the situation. Thankfulness is the antidote to negativity and disappointment.

Let a perfect God fill your ache for perfection. Though I know all too well that it will not be easy to align my actions and feelings in any of these situations, I know God has ample grace to extend. He has never asked us to have it all together; He asks for persistence, not perfection. Let that take a weight off of our hearts today.

“Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.” Proverbs 29:25

“There is no fear in love. But {God’s} perfect love drives out fear.” 1 John 4:18a