The simplest glimpse.

I was born a pastor’s kid. My first breaths were welcomed into a lifestyle fully immersed in God and Christianity. Before I could even speak, our church’s scratchy carpet quickly became my second home. Looking back on that, there isn’t any other way that I would have rathered to start life; it’s the way I dream to raise my own family. But in this sin stained world, not even the most apparently perfect beginning can prevent clouding over the greatness and glory that is this saved life.

The one resounding and consuming aspect of this “dream” childhood that I have regrets about is that as I grew up, I took everything about my faith and the gospel for granted. I never had that new, bursting from joy attitude that newly saved Christians radiate. Being saved was all that I knew. I never doubted that Jesus loved me, it was obvious to me. I scarcely understood grace and mercy because it was basic information in my mind that I would be forgiven for anything I did wrong and that I was clearly going to heaven.

There were rare moment where I realized that I did take it all for granted and that I didn’t fully grasp how wonderful this Truth was, but because it was the norm, I never sought to search any further and just stayed in a safe place, covered under my parent’s faith. 

In my story there is no specific moment that I walked away from God but I often pushed my limits with a heart of full curiosity and emotion leading insecurities. And still in every wandering moment, God protected and preserved me, and ultimately led my searching soul to meet Him in a much deeper way.

I went into bible school with so much hesitation but I came with one assured request. I wanted the for-granted-ness of church life to go and I wanted to fully understand the power of the cross.

This prayer wasn’t something new. Starting somewhere in my middle school years, without fail every Christmas and Easter I remember being so frustrated because everything in me desperately wanted to understand and take hold of the reality of the reason for these holidays. But every year they would come and go while I got caught up in the lights and new gifts, and the excitement of special services and big family meals. Year after year I prayed; holiday after holiday passed still hyped from the enjoyable idea of it rather than the powerful history.

So finally, bible school seemed like the perfect place to reach the revelation that I so wanted. I started out so hopeful on this quest but it slowly dwindled. With each student that shared in chapel, in class or in exclusive dorm room heart barring times, how they at last had a picture of the cross and how it finally became real to them, I felt defeated.

There I was, just sitting around so wanting to have a full hold on its reality but never seeming to get there. It had become nothing more than a story so over told and almost imaginary in my mind that I never reached the real power of it. And I wanted to, but I just couldn’t get there.

Outside of that there were countless other misconceptions shot down. In just the first months, God opened my heart to understand Him as more than just a fictional character who we worshipped; He became truly my Heavenly Father and a Friend of sinners. He shone His light into the cracks of my heart and began healing hurts and clutched lies. He brought me back from the edge of death into the fullest of life again.

But regardless, both school years passed, graduation passed, an internship and year spent at home passed, and even my first year of marriage passed, all yet to reveal a solid revelation of the cross. No powerful worship song or ground breaking alter call had answered my stale longing.

Over the past year, I have sat through a season of learning how to turn the mass amounts of life-filled, head knowledge gained, into heart knowledge. It has been a year of learning the simplest truths, seeing them applied in real time and recognizing my Creator’s fingerprints covering each one.

In all this learning, God has brought my still slightly rebellious, limit pushing, young heart to one place: a place of wanting nothing more than all that He is. I am now in a place of desiring nothing outside of everything that Jesus is and wanting none of my own will; only His, no matter how much waiting is involved. God has taught my heart to sing, “I don’t want it if you’re not in it, God I just want you.”  

So in the very midst of this learning, one evening, about four weeks ago on no particular day, I sat in foreign pews to support my drummer husband during a worship practice and it happened. When least expected, with a sincere heart, God came and handed me the simplest glimpse of the greatest piece of hope that mankind has ever known.

It spontaneaoulsy hit me that I can no longer imagine a moment without God. In years past I couldn't honestly say that but today I can. And in that moment of watching a pre-service worship session, God spoke quietly that it is because of the cross that I will never have to know a moment without Him.

It is truly that simple; almost so simple it could be overlooked.

Jesus died for me, so that I would never have to go a moment without him. If the cross didn’t happen, life without His constant presence is all I would know and I can’t even fathom a life like that anymore.

This may be the most basic post I’ve done yet. Maybe you found it dull or it may mean nothing to you as you might have a much broader picture of the cross for yourself. But this blog was created as a space to share my voice and the pieces of life that God has shared to my heart. And today that looks like the easiest explanation of the gospel backed by a new precious understanding.  

Because of the perfect, biological and natural exceeding plan of Christmas, Jesus came to this earth to identify with our sufferings. Because of the cross we now never have to experience a moment void of God. The moment we choose to accept Him, we get to live every second with access to everything that He is.

I honestly don’t know what more to type than this because it says it all. More words wouldn’t help get this truth across but it’s something to just sit with and be speechlessly grateful for.  

God loved you before you were even a thought and since the dawn of creation, He planned a relentless mission to make sure that you would know a life with Him. Every struggle we face now and ahead can be turned back to the cross, because by it, we have the power to overcome it with the constant help of the Savior of the world.

I never want to let that reality fall from my now raised hands of praise to a for granted place again.

What amazing grace.

“It is rare indeed for anyone to die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God proved his love for us in this: while we were still sinners Christ died for us.”

Romans 5:8