Infinitely better.

This year I have walked through pain that I’ve feared for years but hoped beyond hoped that I’d never actually have to experience. It’s a pain that truthfully, no one should have to experience. An ache so deep that it shouldn’t be wished upon your worst enemies, but sometimes in the ugliest moments, you do wish it on someone, anyone, because all you want is to quench the loneliness. All you want is to be understood. All you want are answers and results.

Some days are do-able and graciously peace filled, while other days it takes every fiber in your being to restrain the tears that incessantly drop. Its sting weaves its way into too many moments. It finds relentless ways to remind you of its presence. Its mention strains even the strongest relationships and pulls you into an uninviting season of isolation.

It requires you’re full attention and effort. It fuels new knowledge and scrapes away some sanity. It messily confronts your worth and purpose. New appointments and announcements present a weight that carry the ability to teeter your faith. Brokenness is a resounding word. 

Guilt awkwardly tells you that you don't have the right to feel these emotions in comparison to others who've waited longer. Selfish frustration tells you that you deserve it more than the ones who don't have to try as hard. 

It’s the emptiness of an unfulfilled raging desire; a desire engraved so deeply into your very make up.

It is the most hopeful, yet entirely defeating kind of pain. It is utterly exhausting but it develops an

unrelenting courage that refuses to stop praying, believing and pursuing.

This season was completely unwelcomed and every prayer that slips through my lips is threaded with petitions for it to be brought to an end. But in the very midst of the silent scream days, God has never ceased to draw my tired, weighty heart closer to His. He replaces the consuming, flesh filled thoughts with his solidity and perfection. His every promise has become a lifeline like never before.

It is a massive, perspective engulfing battle but God is bigger still and I have become unshakably assured that He writes infinitely better stories than I ever could. And if only to make His glory known brighter, I will accept every step of this tiring way with thankfulness.

With that thought tightly clenched in my empty hands, I can stand up and keep moving forward. I can keep fighting; I will keep fighting without hesitation until I reach the prize. It will not keep me down because my God is undeniably good.

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 Welcome to my journey through infertility. 

“But I will hope continually and I will praise you yet, more and more.” Psalm 71:14