Treasure.

I remember the first time I looked at him - really looked at him, not just in a passing glance, acknowledging his presence kind of way, but truly looked right at him.

It was minutes before the 5:30 dinner bell was to ring. The cool but sunny September air had drawn a crowd of us outside to the back yard picnic tables to wait. Someone had a guitar and was mindlessly strumming. Someone from the city had a camera and was snapping shots of the peaceful expanses of space.  Someone wore a pair of daring socks with pigs sporting wings; those silly socks were what initially turned my glance to his.

He came and hopped to the open space on top of the picnic table beside me. He caught me starring at the silly socks, we acknowledged that we both saw them and then we laughed. And as he laughed through truly the most perfect smile I’ve ever seen, like in the movies, one little spark shot up.

Before that moment we’d already hung out together in a group of friends near the pond. We even have so many pictures from that pond excursion day but it was nothing more than freshmen students trying to blend together and find some roots in all the newness of college.

Honestly, my first thoughts of him were that he was a flirt who believed that himself and his blonde hair were all that. And he will tell you that he thought I was the most unhappy looking person he’d ever seen. And if we’re being even more honest, we both had our naively curious eyes scanning for other people.

But this picnic table day was different. I couldn’t tell you what he was wearing, or what anyone else was wearing (apart from the socks of course); all I remember is seeing his face. I just took it all in as he randomly talked about his job of cleaning the campus foyer. And for one second, God opened my eyes to see the enthralling specialness of this man. And after that one second, the dinner bell rang, we split and I went about my day with only mild second and third thoughts to the encounter.

There were two other specific moments that first year where I experienced a tiny glimpse past the friendship we were developing into other aspects of this man who was absolutely captivating. Though the rest of the year, God graciously guarded my heart from seeing further so that He could hold my attention and begin to heal and restore my places that were so shattered. God drew my heart to fall in love with His first, before he gave me another precious soul to learn to love.

If you’ve read one of my earliest posts detailing our entire love story, you’ll know that we started to fall in love that summer between our first and second years and that’s when God started us on learning our beginners lesson in waiting and trusting...and eventually a lot more waiting.

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This morning I laid in bed with hot tea and a lot of vitamin c to try and ward off an obnoxious cold, while my husband went to work with the same cold. I was so thankful that I got to stay in bed and rest my sickness away but even more thankful for a husband who felt as awful as I did yet still woke up at 4am to provide for us. He is in fact the hardest worker I’ve ever met.

But as being human goes, my attention swayed and the gratefulness dwindled off. So I turned to my morning scroll of instagram and pinterest and as per usual, was reminded of our very present journey of infertility. (see previous post.)

I travelled through the now habitual worrying, unfairness rants and the incessant googling to find answers.  I wallowed, tried to plan, started to panic... repeat. 

I reached for my phone for round two and was caught by surprise by the picture that stares at me, all day, everyday, from my lock screen. My husband’s perfect smile, set in a picture taken this summer on vacation, sent an unknowing smile to spread across my own face.

I stayed there looking at the picture, studying his face. Had he not been at work I would have run to wherever he was to grab and squish him. But instead I kept starring at the picture and with years of growth and closeness beyond that picnic table day, a fresh dose of admiration and love for him rose up.  

For that minute, the sting of infertility subsided, the wear and tear of too many doctor’s appointments and arms that might as well be pin cushions for blood work, endless days of work to pay for said appointments, and the general craziness that is life all faded. And like all those first days of being so madly and immovably in love, I focused on my husband’s face and fell in love a little more.

God took that moment of being stunned by my simple and grainy lock screen picture to remind me of those first glimpse moments, seeing my husband before I knew he’d be mine. Those memories then led into remembering all those moments when God had first drawn my heart to fall into His unconditional love.

With all the fuzzy feels and ample gratitude, my eyes weren’t fixed on my empty arms or the fact that our home currently lacks the smallest and softest clothes. My eyes were fixed on my Creator who gave me hugely undeserved life, and the blessing of the rarest gem of a husband.

Sure, the wait time of possible diagnoses are long and daunting. The questions of when will our family grow still rise up and burn, but today God lifted the ache with the sweet prompt that He miraculously placed the sweetest treasure in my life that I get to face every uncomfortable bump with.

Maybe your battle is that you’re still waiting for the biggest blessing of a spouse, and my heart aches and prays with you that God would answer that longing.

Maybe you are in my same boat with fear and infertility starring you down; I understand deeply.

Finances, direction, diagnoses, family etc; Whatever you may be facing, fix your eyes on your Creator and let Him remind you of the blessings and treasures, whatever size they might be, that He’s already given.

Take a second to sink into the reality that you don’t deserve any of them in the slightest, not even the breath that fills your lungs. Then fix your eyes back and let gratitude filter out the lingering pain.

Today I still long for a baby, lots of them actually, but I have a refreshed prayer in my heart.  A prayer to soak up all of this time that I can; to grow closer to my husband, treasuring who he is, and to willingly learn everything I can from God’s heart before the next blessings do come. The weak moments are undeniably hard but His grace is enough and His strength is perfect.

That cool evening on the picnic table, I didn't have the slightest clue that I was looking into the eyes of the man who would chose me to be his forever and only. God gave me a second's peek to see what I now get to wake up to every morning. I can only imagine the joyous glimpses that I've already passed by that will become so apparent in years to come while snuggling new treasures. Until then, I pray that my eyes stay open and alert to all there is to cherish in the now. 

“ ’My grace is enough for you for my power is made perfect in weakness’. ... For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10