A promise and a positive.

I love how God writes our stories. I love how in our worst pits of pain, God see the steps just ahead that are graciously hidden from our view and He has securely written the most glorious outcomes. 

In my last entry posted, I talked about a shinning appreciation for my gem of a husband, intertwined with our journey of infertility. In the last paragraph of that entry I wrote,

"That cool evening on the picnic table, I didn't have the slightest clue that I was looking into the eyes of the man who would chose me to be his forever and only. God gave me a second's peek to see what I now get to wake up to every morning. I can only imagine the joyous glimpses that I've already passed by that will become so apparent in years to come while snuggling new treasures." 

I have no doubt that God let a laugh slip while watching me write those words, because only He knew that two weeks later He would hand us the greatest miracle. 

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Just over one year into marriage, our small family of two felt apprehensively but curiously ready to grow. A baby seemed new and exciting and like the obvious next step. My husband started off nervous at the idea but eventually grew to it, whereas I was full gung-ho to start trying. But if I'm being completely honest, every ounce of my decision was being lead by fear. 

I've shared before that I'm an only child. I've also shared the deep ache and desire I had for a sibling. But as soon as the potential door of getting a sibling was very much closed and I came to terms with it, sad hopes were replaced with fear in regards to my own future family.

For all of high school and into college, whenever the topic of pregnancy, baby names and mom fantasies would come up between dreaming friends, I felt a knot grow in my stomach because I wholeheartedly believed that I wouldn't be able to have kids. In those years, starting as young as 14 years old, I can't even count the hours that I begged to never have to face infertility. Though not one prayer was rooted in faith, each dripped with pain and crippling worry. 

During our engagement, the angst only deepened and would sometimes choke me out in those family planning conversations you have to have before the wedding day. Caleb always errs on the side of positivity and wouldn't for a second let himself into my pity party of self proclaimed bareness but not once did I ever let myself accept his hopefulness. 

During our first year of marriage I had my baby fever moments but I was mostly too busy enjoying being legally bound to the handsomest man on the planet. And then year one came to a close, we found ourselves in a comfortable flow of life and the baby fever grew, in turn initiating the fear to run wild. 

I let it rule the entire first 5 months of trying. Every negative we saw sent me to gather more emotional logs to add to the fire that panic had started in me. Not to mention my body was doing everything possible to trick me into believing I was pregnant. I started doing hours of research, reading infertility based blogs and books, and falling into the acceptance that this was going to be my life. 

We saw negative after negative. Friends around us saw positives and social media never let me escape the new announcements. My jealousy was rampant and every day I ashamedly begged God to "not dare" let this be a reality for us. 

Then God did what, at the time, felt absolutely defeating, but turned out to be the most healing part of this whole past year. For three months He took away even the opportunity to get pregnant from me. The entire winter I did not get one cycle. And it was in that time, without the option to plan, try, test, repeat, that God got my attention. 

He started by breaking through the jealousies and the simple longing for pregnancy, the congratulations, the assumed part 2 of marriage and so on. Through those three, longgggg months, He showed me that we were in pursuit of a real human being.

A new human already completely known by Him with an already perfectly written story. A human who needed to arrive in this world not on my preferred and convenient timeline but at the exact moment that God had flawlessly planned. A human who would enter existence right when the world needed it, for them to be a relevant light for Jesus to those it grew up with and those who come after. A new human who, with God's help, would love souls and change lives. 

My eyes were opened to see that I was striving towards a new life, not just a box to check off of my new adult to-do's. And with that new understanding, I took the following months on with an underlying impatience but an overwhelming trust.

Knees deep in the exact situation I daringly challenged my Creator never to make me walk through, I'd never felt more in awe of Him. He captured my heart in a way I'd never known. He provided rest and comfort on the hardest days. His hands never once closed to me as I roughly tried to put back every anxious thought that came up. Of course I had raging questions, I cried A LOT, and had a few moments of throwing things at walls, but in the midst of it all I couldn't even fathom walking away from the constant grace and strength that He kept offering. 

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The majority of the summer was spent in doctors offices and getting way too much blood work done. I was given four different diagnoses over those couple months - those being PCOS, fibroids, ovarian Cysts and a potential pituitary gland brain tumor. Thankfully after many tests only one came back to be true: the cysts.

("Thank you" doctor who told me I probably had all these problems but to wait for the tests to come back to be sure. My panic and I loved that part.)

Turns out I had uncomfortable, plum sized cysts on my ovaries that were inhibiting my body to do what it was naturally supposed to do. Apart from laparoscopic surgery to drain them, there was no treatment but to wait and see if they went away and if not, fertility drugs were our next option.

At the end of September, my husband and I decided that we needed a breather from the doctors so we planned to wait out the cysts and potentially start fertility help in January. However in the middle of October I went in for a check-up ultrasound to see if the cysts had grown and to our shock, they were gone!

Now I should mention here that even with a clear ultrasound, a praying family and church and a really big God, I still didn't believe in the slightest that we could get pregnant. After 14 months it wasn't a remote possibility in my mind. While dozens of couples around us got to choose when they wanted to grow their family, we didn't get that choice and it felt like the final word. I was convinced we would have to stay on this road for years until we filled our 'infertility time quota' and God found us fit and worn down enough to be good parents. 

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The last weekend in October was our college's alumni retreat. You know how before a retreat of any kind you get a little excited and expectant? Like how it seems so much more likely that God might actually do something you've been praying for versus on a regular Sunday church service. So full of retreat-ful expectations, I prayed to be rested and refreshed but in the back of my mind I sheepishly cradled my biggest want. I tried praying for it but always ended the request with my hands up as if to say "or not" , just in case God didn't come through... I wanted a piece of hope that was so obvious, something I didn't have to try to fit my situation into, concerning our infertility. I wanted something to hold to for however many more months we'd have to walk through. 

Saturday morning of the retreat, the pastor was preaching a very alumni tailored message about believing as a fresh bible school student that your life will turn out one way but upon graduation and going into the real world brought your plans crashing down. He tied it in with the story of Ruth and Naomi, who's worlds were rocked after the death of their whole family but how Naomi's redemption came when she got to hold Obed, Ruth's child, who carried the very DNA of Jesus. 

A great message all in all. Then the pastor paused. He looked up at the group of us and he said three times, "He's going to put that baby in your arms." Sure, it was a great metaphor for God giving redemption to the places that have fallen apart in your life, but it was also an undeniable piece of hope handed straight from God to my weighty heart. I couldn't stop the silent tears that instantly started to drop and at the altar call I hurried to the front and just thanked God for His kindness. I was honestly shocked that He had answered me in the most blatant way. 

I left the weekend hopeful to face whatever we had to because in relentless kindness, God had given me a promise I didn't deserve; one that could keep me going. 

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Exactly 14 days later, out of complete habit to remove any lurking and unrealistic suspicion from my head, I took a pregnancy test....and two positive, pink lines blazed up. In complete disbelief, shaking uncontrollably, I took 3 more test and all showed the same beautiful positive sign. I dropped to the ground in my bathroom and sobbed out thanks and utter joy.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. God writes infinitely better stories than we ever could. 

I am now 9 weeks pregnant, symptom full and loving every second.

Yesterday we had our first appt and got to see our tiny miracle wiggling around on a black screen and there aren't words to describe the beautiful shock and awe that seeing your very own baby brings. I love this tiny human with a force that fills my every thought and breath. 

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The resounding truth learned over the past 14 months has been God is good. He turned my incessantly fearful heart to know that had He never brought me to bible school, He'd still be good. Had He not given me my husband, He'd still be good. If He chose to never give us children, He'd still be good. When all hell is coming against me, He still is good. 

Whether it'd be infertility or a vastly different situation, whatever pit you feel stuck in right now, know that God is good and know that He works wonders; it's His specialty. Chose to fully fall into whatever He is teaching you through this season and be prepared for the moment when He brings you into a miracle. Chose to believe Him now. 

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Welcome to our journey to baby! Estimated arrival: July 2019. 

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"He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children. Praise the Lord!" Psalm 113:9