Whole.

2014: Year of Light

2015: Year of Victory

2016: Year of Courage

2017: Year of Truth

2018: Year of Peace

2019:   ………

In previous entries I’ve explained how my Bible College began each school year with a God-given encompassing theme of what that coming year could hold. Though I only had two years of school with given themes, in the month before graduating in 2015, God offered me my very own topic for the coming months: a year of courage.

Not even 4 weeks into this new spiritual venture did I face my first battle with needing extreme amounts of courage. Again a short 4 weeks after that,  I was face to face with another instance where I had no other choice but to choose to trust God with very shaky but new bravery. And it happened again and again and again, that whole year.

Stepping into 2017, the whole courage thing started to dissipate and I carried on without a particular direction when during one devotional time, at the very beginning of January, God spoke clear as day that He had another theme for me to step into - Learning truth.

This happened for the following new year as well. Every January that rolled around came a new word that would not leave my heart or thoughts and when I would finally accept it and dive into its lessons, I was in awe at how accurate and needed each canopy word was to the events of that year.   

With notebooks full of learning from my newly ended Year of Peace, a year that met me with infertility, piling medical issues and so many unknowns, I came into 2019 full of expectation and prepared for a new theme, perhaps one geared towards the crazy new parenting adventure that we’re coming up on.

As December closed I apprehensively went into reading every day with a quiet request for a new direction, all while holding my hands up as if to say “but it’s totally ok if you don’t give me one, that’s cool.” I find whenever I ask for a direct word from God I’m too cautious with my asking just in case I’m met with total silence and in turn left bummed out and confused.

Hesitant but willing to hear whatever I could, I flopped around different books and chapters looking for a word to jump off the page at me. Somewhere between letting my eyes wander over the tiny printed verses and not really reading at all, God dropped a thought in my heart that made me slightly shy away in surprise.

Healing.

Just the sound of that, not even counting in all that it entailed for me, made me want to close up my stuff and walk away to a good distraction as a firm “no thank you.” But with the tiniest bit of curiosity I stayed put in my seat and settled into processing what that would mean.

This wasn’t the first time that the idea of healing had come up for me. There are four specific areas that have come to light in the past years that I could clearly see were in need of some help and letting go but in all honestly I had no interest in going there. Easily stuffing them down, or using them as a self defense mechanism or just being stubborn enough not to care if the problem went away, always drew me further and further away from reaching any kind of fix for these issues.

This time was different though. As I was about to walk into 2019 and God laid out the offer of healing before me, for the first time ever, there was the smallest, most minute part of me that wanted it. Now especially, with the very real job of motherhood growing closer with every day, I knew I couldn’t live this miracle calling to my best if I kept gripping these things that God was willing to face and remove in me. Even though last year was a venture of peace, I still got to see a physical aspect of healing in God completely reversing the problems in my body and gifting us with a tiny new life. So in continuation of moving towards Him placing this baby in our arms, I knew I had no other choice but to fall in surrender to whatever this “Year of Healing” meant.

I have grown exponentially far from the person I walked into Bible College as, where God took out and renewed so much of the hurt that I held. However this past month He has opened my eyes to see that though I’m no longer broken by my past, I still carry very sore pieces as protection.

The idea of completely giving up my hold on those sore pieces caused a panic to rise up in me; a panic that screams for control, for justice and for safety against potential future pain. As the panic rose, God used it to show me even more how detrimental it is for me to hand over these pieces to Him.

I’ve come to learn that in all areas of my fear and worrying or letting go, safety is my number one concern. In any and every situation, whether it be the most mundane stress about finances to major life decisions, the need and crave for safety drives me. When I finally realized how much weight this need for security carried in my life, I rearranged the words of a statement that one of our teachers once spoke that has never left me from, “God is fighting harder for your future than you are.” to “God is fighting harder for your safety than you are.” The next day I read Proverbs 29:25 which only backed up that thought further: “The fear of man lays a snare but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe.”

With that truth packed and loaded in front of my apprehension, I hopefully accepted this new way, this time truly wanting nothing more than full healing. I crawled into the unequivocable safety that God is and invited healing in the four areas that I could peg down as the most crucial:

-Full healing from my past and the effects of it.

-Full healing from my marred perceptions of God’s character and the supernatural.

-Full healing from my perceptions of family.

-Full healing from the lack of confidence that un-sought after isolation has brought on me.

I’m now a month into this chaotic journey and unfortunately, sometimes like broken bones left to fix on their own that have to be re-broken in order heal right again, a lot of these issues and the pain that accompanies them have to re-surface in order for them to be scraped away.

January has felt messy and relieving; achy but restorative all at once. It’s been just one month and  I’ve begun to see the lightened areas in my soul that don’t bear so much weight anymore. I know it’s going to be a long, ongoing and uncomfortable time of learning but I can already feel the thankfulness that will emerge in the end.

The mention of healing at any other time seemed so uninviting because I didn't fully understand limitless grace but throughout the year of peace, I grew to understand God’s gentleness and kindness in a way I could have never imagined and now deeply grasping those crucial parts of His character so well, I can throw down my fear and safely walk forward.

Whether you also have a new year theme or a set of ideas that God is working through you right now, take hope and complete rest in knowing that He is fighting harder for your future, your safety and your freedom than you are. Fall in full surrender to whatever He is trying to work in you and trust His sweet gentleness. Let’s keep moving forward, fearlessly, into all that’s ahead.

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2019: Year of Healing.

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“Oh Lord my God, I cried to you for help and you have healed me.” Psalm 30:2

“I am the Lord who heals you.” Exodus 15:26