Fixed.

It's been quite a while since I've written a new post and that is mostly due to jumping full force into baby prep and planning (ahhhh, I can't even express how obsessed I am with baby boy already!!!) Though right now we're in an indescribably joyful prayer-answered time, what has put a pause on my writing the most is that things have been a whole lot trickier and messier than I first anticipated with this 'year of healing'... (see previous post). So welcome to a very honest update. 

Being the struggling perfectionist that I am combined with my grueling need to know the reasons behind every why, I've found myself way too often spiraling into pits of confusion and replayed pain.

At the beginning of this year when God first presented me with this new focused way for 2019 , I processed for a couple days but then found myself actually excited and ready to tackle all the issues that had been stuffed down in hiding for too long. I found myself guarded but willing to dive into the deep places to tidy things up right there beside God.

I had empty notebooks laid open for every devotional time and plans upon plans to sit and reflect every day on the areas I'd specifically pinpointed as in most need of healing. I prepared questions to bounce off of my husband and always had something to write with available for when an unveiled emotional scar discovery came to me. I was on a mission to find the roots and beginnings to all of my sore places hoping that that would be the key to knocking them down once and for all. 

Unfortunately for the planner in me, the healing process is a lot harder than having good writing materials and reflection times scheduled. No matter how much time I spent mulling over and sorting out my thoughts, I never got any better; quite the opposite actually. The more time I spent reflecting, the more I would want to find a corner to hide in, too overwhelmed by my gathered past of unnaturally complicated  realities. 

Weeks into this new spiritual venture I came to a wall that required me to fully acknowledge that nothing I could do could help speed the process along. The growing burden of these issues that I'd finally come to be willing to give up could only be removed by God and God solely. I had to make the very hard choice to set aside my wannabe detective skills searching to uncover the reasons hiding behind my hurt and instead to simply and humbly surrender them to God immediately... over and over and over again - no matter how many times a day they came up. 

Finally after months of the battle of pursuing then quitting, pursuing then quitting... repeat... I was able to crunch down these re-surfacing lessons into one sentence that I've learned to use to re-route my thoughts each time I try to climb back into my pit: Don't let your need to understand distract you from His presence. 

Not just recently but for years now, whenever a place of hurt would be triggered or reappear, I would pour all of my effort and energy into thinking about it and trying to break it down enough to figure out how to break free from its impact. Though it can be so healthy to reflect on these places in search of their roots and can prove very productive in the healing process (hence what therapy is), for me, I had "therapy-ed" myself to death. When I would slip into that mode again it was like there was no escape. Whether it started as a basic topic question on long drives home with my husband or someone's words triggering a memory reaction in me, I would fall deeper into silence and frustration for hours, sometimes even days on end in hopelessness. 

Like I stated in my previous entry, there are four main areas, most specifically two though, that this healing journey is aiming at and it was a hard thing to get to a place to admit that these four areas have an unexplainable control over my emotions and can turn me in a second. 

This is where that phrase comes in- "don't let your need to understand distract you from my presence." I'd open myself to think on my issues during a devotional time and their control would completely sway me away from actually being able to read or pray any further. It was a cycle of defeat that wouldn't stop replaying, a cycle that successfully distracted me from growing closer to the only source of true healing and freedom. I kept allowing my need to understand the whys, bases and how-could-yous to win over God's endless gentleness in curing hearts. 

I was convinced I needed to put any effort I could into aiding God with figuring out how to best come at my problems for an optimal outcome. I couldn't grasp that I could have my hands fully removed from my problems and yet still God could heal them completely, to never come back again.

As I painfully grew to understand that concept, He asked me something that He had asked me to do last year in the hardest part of our infertility journey- to put it back; put all my thoughts, fears and frustrations back in His hands EVERY SINGLE TIME they came up. He reminded me again that He never gets tired of our weaknesses. 

Now to put it into action. Simply enough, when the sore places come for my thoughts now, I immediately whisper a quick but fervent prayer of "help me and heal me" and mentally offer my hands up to put the thing back in God's hands and out of my very incapable ones. Then practically I move my mind onto  something else and park it there for a while. It's the smallest action that provides release from the unnecessary weight and focuses my mind on God's very constant presence in fighting my battles for me.

In the most timely sermon ever, a few Sundays ago our pastor spoke on the dysfunctional story of Jacob and how God met him as he slept on rocks and promised to not leave him until He had done what He'd promised. The pastor brought it back to our lives in that there are so many dysfunctional situations that we find ourselves in; whether as victims of other's actions or situations that we've created ourselves. Whatever the reason be, God promises to not leave us unfixed. Even if He has to fight it out of us Himself , He WILL heal us and change WILL come. 

There are so many pieces of the future that have me bursting with excitement and honestly this season has been one of the happiest and most anticipated of my life. But at the same time, all that the future holds presents real life, spiritual struggle moments that have me shying back in fear because of the what ifs and potential replays of what I've already known that have my heart in need of such mending now. 

But in these moments God keeps reminding me over again that the pieces of my past currently being healed and the pieces of my future that I've already labeled with doom and gloom can not control my focus and distract me from His very real presence now.

These raging distractions have the power to halt my time spent with God, inhibit me from hearing His voice and stall me from growing through them. Though I have countless questions that beg for answers and the need to know seems to have the ability to squeeze the very air from my lungs at times, my reactions and direction is my choice; a choice that has to push me towards my Healer instead of away in defeat. The past, the present and the fears of stereotypical what ifs of the future all have to be met in this same way. 

I think the sweetest yet hardest truth that God has been instilling in me is that even if the unthinkable happened or my residual pain lingers for years longer, His presence will be consistently real and available. His gentleness and kindness has the power to drown everything, no matter what it may be, in  perfect peace at any given moment when we ask for it. 

I don't know if this post was to ramble on and solidify these truths just for my own sake or if it was to touch a place in your own heart but if you take away anything let it be this and apply it how you need for your own situation:

Don't let your need to understand distract you from His presence. 

God will not leave you unfixed. 

...

"I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you." Genesis 28:15